yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize