i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
