And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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