He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
