He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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