3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
