Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
