On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My hand turned me down
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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