I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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