the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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