I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Randomize
