If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
