Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
