my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
