I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I need a burrito and a hug.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize