I like my sex mixed with concussions.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
