I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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