When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
