Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
