One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
