i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
