You just made me feel so damn special
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
