Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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