its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
