i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
