I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
