Someone shit on the floor
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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