Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
