My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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