I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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