I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need to align my fucking chakras
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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