happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
