FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
