my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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