the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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