Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize