3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
