Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
