i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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