I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
