i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
