i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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