Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
