Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
