Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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