we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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