We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
