i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
