How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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