I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
