Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
