why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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