My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
