I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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