What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
