Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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