Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.

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(516): View more from New York

i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second

(631): View more from New York

i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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(515): View more from Iowa

trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.

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(925): View more from California

The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves

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(646): View more from New York

I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME

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(516): View more from New York

I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.

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