the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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