Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
