i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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