that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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