watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
