Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
