Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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