Sponge bath it is.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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